Funny Quotes

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler

Sun, Again, Morals

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Robert Benchley

Afraid, Tell, Phobias

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard

History, Europe

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
James Thurber

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Flower, National, Concrete

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Tired, Night, Made

Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard

Put, Sock, Toaster

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
Michael J. Fox

Morning, Sunday, Woman

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith

Two, Others, While

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
Bob Hope

Country, Egg, Lay

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
Roy Orbison

Change, Help, May

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

Wish, Nerve, Tip

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

Long, Army, Five

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

Love, Might, Marry

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London

Morning, Hair, Watching

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

Sorry, Parents, Both

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan P. Smith

Life, Reading, Prefer

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler

Away, Party, Notice

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
Don Marquis

Sometimes, Difficult, Cloud

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

Free, Getting, Dog

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

Die, Goes, Beach

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke

Best, Honesty, Tax

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

Yourself, Find, Boston

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