Phyllis Diller Quotes

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Funny, Why, Chance

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

Smile, Everything, Straight

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

Before, Kids, While

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Children, Move, Afford

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Women, Football, Play

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

Christmas, Job, Looking

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Funny, Best, Eat

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

Anger, Fight, Mad

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

Business, Anger, Down

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

Home, Nice, Children

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

Men, Made, Same

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Funny, Time, Enjoyed

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

Thanksgiving, Bad, Thought

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Parenting, Home, Children

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Teacher, Children, Down

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

Once, Room, Asked

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Pain, Her, Left

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Beauty, Age, May

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

Sex, Away, Lives

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

Money, Show, Ghetto

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller

Beauty, Good, Deep

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

Time, Three, Argument

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

Behind, Eighteen, Ironing

Share with your Friends

Everyone likes a good quote - don't forget to share.

Biography

Nationality: American

Born: July 17, 1917

Died: August 20, 2012

Links

Find on Amazon: Phyllis Diller

Cite this Page: Citation

Popular Topics

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Related Authors

George Carlin
Bill Cosby
Groucho Marx
Mitch Hedberg
Steven Wright
Lucille Ball
W. C. Fields
Rodney Dangerfield
More

Get Social with BrainyQuote

BrainyQuote Desktop

BrainyQuote Mobile

Site

Quote of the Day

Social

BQ on Pinterest

Syndication

Funny Quote Feed

Love Quote Feed

Nature Quote Feed

About Us