Erma Bombeck Quotes

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Erma Bombeck

Life, God, Hope

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

Funny, Diet, Friend

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving, Hours, Prepare

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck

Mother, Advice, Matter

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Erma Bombeck

Dreams, Time, Lonely

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
Erma Bombeck

Wrong, Kids, House

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck

Life, Women, Sex

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck

Humor, Hurt, Pain

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Erma Bombeck

Fire, Why, Else

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck

Christmas, Morning, Nothing

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck

Life, Old, Tell

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Funny, Giving, Gift

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Funny, Car, Children

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck

Success, Fame, Confuse

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck

Mom, Mother, Become

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Erma Bombeck

Marriage, Time, Home

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck

Birthday, Husband, Wife

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

Until, Second, Head

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important.
Erma Bombeck

Life, Children, Important

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck

Husband, Care, Wife

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Erma Bombeck

Work, Home, Alone

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck

Graduation, School, Done

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Journalist

Born: February 21, 1927

Died: April 22, 1996

Links

Find on Amazon: Erma Bombeck

Cite this Page: Citation

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